“The ego tries to prove itself, self-esteem tries to express itself”
Think about these words for a second.
I came across this statement said by one of my idols Jay Shetty, in an episode of his In The Moment podcast. It really resonated with me, and with the reason I started this blog.
When I first wanted to start a blog, I asked myself why. Why do you want to share your deepest most haunted thoughts and feelings? Why do you want to tell people about the trauma you have experienced and your battles with mental health issues?
Was it because I felt like I deserved some recognition for the pain I had endured? For surviving a devastatingly difficult time? What made me so special? This never sat well with me, because in all honesty I don’t care about how many people read this. I put very little effort into promoting my posts. It is more of a cathartic way for me to express myself and tell my story, and if that can even reach just one person who it resonates with, well, that’s a cherry on top.
I don’t tend to show off or brag much. Sure, I can be a bit dramatic but I am not a show-and-tell sort of guy. I don’t feel “proud” for having endured losing my mother, I don’t feel “heroic” managing anxiety. It even feels weird typing those words out, and I know millions of people go through far more challenging and horrific experiences than what I have weathered.
I am not ashamed of my challenges with mental health. Seeking external guidance, the decisions I made along the way, the days I couldn’t get out of bed. Those days I spent, and still spend, crying over losing my mom. These are all moments of learning, growth and healing.
I am sensitive. I feel everything very deeply. I share a lot, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don’t like to bottle things up. And I have always been this way, it is nothing new, and I am proud of it.
So, to go back to quote at the beginning of this post; I am not trying to prove myself to anyone. I have nothing to prove. I am not pretending to be a master of mental strength or the poster-boy of resilience. This is merely how I choose to express myself, my thoughts, my observations. I am a creative at heart. My words are my medium, and the paper (or this blog) is my canvas.
It’s my way of documenting my life, my challenges, my observations and my growth. Kind of like a digital diary in some way. And hopefully my words can inspire someone, offer a different perspective on something, or merely just give someone something to relate to.