Have you ever felt homeless? Not actually been homeless. But felt homeless. As though you had nowhere to go, like you didn’t really belong anywhere. Like your life had no anchor, as though you had nowhere to fall should things get a little too much.
When my mom passed away at the end of 2017, I didn’t only lose my mother and my best friend, but my family lost its home. My mom was the glue that held everything together.
When she lost her battle with cancer my family and I went through utter turmoil. Emotionally, financially, everything was a mess. So losing her meant that essentially we lost our home, our resting place, and that feeling of security.
Should life have progressed normally for me, I would have left university and embarked on my journey into adulthood, knowing that if things were to fall apart, if I needed a place to go to that provided me with a safe space to work things out, that my home would always be there.
But my life didn’t progress normally, and just at the age that we begin our career and transition into being an adult, a very delicate and confusing time for anyone, I lost the one place and person that provided security. I lost that safety net that so many people take for granted.
I fled to the UK to run away from it all, and now two years later, I find myself feeling lost, out of place, out of my depth, unsure of my next step, with nowhere to go to take time to re-navigate, reflect and realign.
This, to me, is what it means to feel homeless. And this is my reality.
Cape Town will always be my home town, but I don’t feel like I have a home, a true nesting spot there anymore. Yes, I have family and friends in different pockets of the globe, but again, it doesn’t quite feel like home.
I strongly believe that the experiences we have shape who we are. And I know that my current state is only going to strengthen me and mould me into a more resilient and compassionate human, even if that’s something I only see in hindsight.
I know it will take time for me to build that home for myself and find my little spot, my community. But right now? Right now I’ve got to muscle through the storm whilst I go through the motions of figuring it all out., weathering the storm and crafting a beautiful reality.
Something we all need to remind ourselves of is that healing after trauma is messy and it takes time. As much as I so badly want to find that feeling of home right now, it isn’t going to happen overnight. I have to trust this process, and whatever you might be going through, you have to learn to trust that process too.